Dearest Elf, I’m heartbroken! Yesterday was MY day but as there was absolutely no snow I got stuck with the sleigh in the woods. I’m still flustered now so please, Elf, help me: what’s an SKU again and why aren’t we giving them away as presents?

Firstly, Santa, an SKU is short for Stock Keeping Unit, which is a reference number uniquely identifying a product. Secondly, you can’t give reference numbers out as the children expecting Fijit Friends or Angry Birds will be extremely disappointed.

Oh well if you say so, Elf. Actually, did I tell you I was in the grotto last week and paid with my own money for those Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) checks and this Enhanced Disclosure thing in order to work with children? I then received an official letter saying that following a risk assessment it has been decided that henceforth children are no longer permitted to ride with me on my sleigh. I will write back to announce that in the name of health and safety I will simplify the process even further and operate a phone-only service. On that basis they can refund the money for the CRB checks as I will no longer be a direct risk to children. God knows what those guys will have in mind in the future… On another topic: have you noticed the price of Reindeer nuts? Once the rest of the world discovered that they could eat them as well – I mean reindeer food, of course – the price has rocketed. They’re in short supply now! I’m even thinking of converting the reindeer to chip fat but the smell’s bad enough as it is.

Yeah Santa, I knew about that and that’s why I’ve precisely developed a new replenishment strategy to help with this problem and drive cost out of the business, helping the bottom line. Here’s how it works: each reindeer now has an eco-friendly waterproof paper bag hanging off a weigh scale tied to its tail to collect poo. The weigh scale is fitted with a radio device sending a signal every ten minutes to our nut supplier. I’m calling it PooPick. The supplier now delivers three times a day the exact weight of nuts required to keep each reindeer in tip top condition. We’re planning to extend the scope further with Vendor Managed Inventory (VMI).

By the way, you haven’t seen the vet’s bill for Blitzen yet, have you, Santa? That reindeer is costing you a fortune. At delivery in Bidford on Avon recently Blitzen sprained his ankle when he put his foot down a drain as the drain cover had been stolen by metal thieves. It’s getting increasingly dangerous you know. I keep telling them to keep their feet moving or someone will steal the shoes off their feet!

Sorry to hear that, but we mustn’t lose any more time now. You know I’m already a day behind. Let’s start reloading the sleigh, we’ll round the others up and wake up the FLT, the Flatulent Long Thing, to move the heavy bits.

Actually, Santa, you haven’t been reading your Elf-Mails, have you? We’re leading edge now!

Now wait a minute. Sounds like you’ve been listening to the IGD, haven’t you, Elf? Did you really go to their conference in London again? You know what happened last time… It took us years to undo that lean manufacturing idea you had and get the staff eating properly again. We’ve told you it’s all make believe, but you, you never listen. It’s their version of our pantomime – you know, each year when we do a show, dress up and tell stupid stories etc. I thought you would have seen through it once they started talking about collaboration, but you’ve bought it just like the other fallen ones. How come? I must say I’m confused. At least you didn’t pay them any money I hope?! Elf, you’ve gone too far this time. Anyway, what do you mean we’ve gone stockless? We’re not chuffing Tescarose, that leading retailer in reindeer land. We’re a manufacturer and distributor! Haven’t you noticed that all the other elves, trolls and assorted misfits have been making things for the last eleven months? This is turning into a nightmare!

A bit angry upon hearing this rant, the Elf walks away. However, it’s the very nature of Elves to come back and help rather than leave you stuck in a mess as long as your logistics heart is in the right place.

Read more about this next week!